I found this while surfing the net, which by the way I hate the term surfing the net, but I thought it proper since I am posting a topic about being an asshole. I thought Dan would love this considering most subjects that irritate him about drivers is covered in this caption below, ENJOY!!!
How to be an Asshole while Driving
Being an asshole while driving is an art form. It requires much practice to hone your techniques as well as some bravery. To start out, all you need is some sort of vehicle, although an enclosed 4-wheeled vehicle is recommended for safety in the case of an enraged fellow motorist. Obviously you are in better shape if a fellow motorist rams into you if you are in a giant SUV rather than a moped.
The easiest way to be an asshole is to go incredibly slow on a single or split lane road. This way, it is difficult if not impossible for people to pass you. To add to the fun on a split lane road, speed up when there is an opportunity for the people behind you to pass and slow down when it is not possible for them to pass.
The vehicles behind you may tailgate your vehicle and make rude gestures, but don't let this get you down. Remember that they are the ones that are angry and you are having incredible fun pissing them off. Also note that in the event of an accident where their vehicle rear ends yours, they are clearly the person at fault. If you are in need of a new rear bumper, slamming on your brakes could get you some expensive bodywork done for free.
Blinkers are great tools for the asshole motorist. You can leave a blinker on for long periods of time to keep the people behind you guessing, or even slow down while approaching every intersection, then speed up. Switching between the left and right blinker can add to the confusion even more, making your actions completely unpredictable. You can also slow down for no apparent reason at random intervals for more fun.
On a multiple lane road, always get in the fastest moving lane and try to find vehicles that are going slow in the other lane. When you reach these vehicles, slow down tremendously, then speed up after you get past them to prevent the people behind you from getting by. If you are even more daring, slow down to the same speed as the motorist in the other lane and allow a long line of cars to line up behind you.
If you are in rush hour and traffic is stop-and-go, wait a long time before closing the gap between you and the vehicle in front of you. If you get to a point where traffic is merging into your lane, come to a complete stop and allow a long stream of cars to merge in front of you. Otherwise, just stop in the middle of traffic and get out of your car to lift the hood with a frustrated expression. Add smoke bombs for added effect. You can easily increase traffic delays by 100-500% using this strategy. If a police officer stops by, say that the problem apparently fixed itself or you found some extra gasoline in your trunk.
The horn is an important tool and you should not be afraid to use it. Honk whenever you are given the opportunity. At a red light waiting behind someone, honk immediately after the light turns green. If the driver wasn't paying attention, they may think that it has been green for a while and feel embarassed. If they have been paying attention, they will feel embarassed and pissed. If you are daring, hit the horn when the light is still red, just to be an asshole. When pedestrians are crossing in front of you, lay on the horn and assert your authority on the road. If someone ahead of you is going too slow, hit the horn. Try to buy an aftermarket horn that sounds incredibly annoying and is very loud. You get the idea.
Loud sound systems are great fun. Make sure you invest in the most obnoxiously loud subwoofers available. Every time you pull up to a red light, roll down the windows and crank the volume, allowing fellow motorists to enjoy your music as well. If you get other cars to rattle, you are doing a great job. Try to listen to music that is unpopular or just plain bizarre.
Drive with your brights on all the time. If you are turning at an intersection where other cars are waiting, keep your car pointed at the other cars for as long as possible to blind them with your lights. You can flash your brights at other people on the road to make them think there is a police officer waiting nearby or just cause confusion.
When you park your car, arrange it so that you are occupying as much space as possible. If you are parking behind another car, park just far enough back that another car cannot fit in between. Park as far away from the curb as possible so that the traffic flow is constricted. If you are parking in a parking lot, park in the middle of two slots, or in the middle of four slots if it is a dual row lot. If you come to one of those slow-down areas where customers are leaving a store, honk the horn at any that walk in front of you.
By practicing with these techniques and experimenting with others, you will be well on your way to becoming a complete asshole motorist.
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Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:04 am
